Confession: I’m Scared of the Next Step

So. I finished the first draft of Faoii Betrayer two weeks ago and was pushing my way through its initial edit very quickly at first. But then, I started thinking about the next step. And I slowed down. I realize now that this fear of the coming hardships is what kept me from writing anything for nearly two years after having finished my debut novel, The Last Faoii. I knew what I wanted to write the day I finished my first book. But then I went through the entire process of actually making a manuscript become a book, and the idea of doing it again… terrified me. I tried to work past it, but every time I sat down to write the story that was inside my mind, keeping me up at night and teasing me with all of its tantalizing intrigue, I could only think of the crowdfunding campaign that had nearly killed me the first time around. I could only think of the marketing and the stress and all the things about this process that made me hate the one thing that, once, I truly loved doing. Writing had gone from being my passion to being my newest (and largest) cause of anxiety.

It took two years, but when I finally convinced myself that I wouldn’t need to face those demons again–when I decided that I would just self-publish Faoii Betrayer and leave the crowdfunding and the “success” to better people than myself, things finally changed the way I’d hoped they would every time I sat in front of my computer. The story spilled from me like an upturned jug. Writing became something beautiful and wonderful again. And I wrote the entire book in a few short months, inspired and excited for the first time in much, much too long.

Now, I am almost finished with my first edit of Faoii Betrayer, and I know that I want to create something worthwhile. The story is darker and more twisted than the first plot was, and I want to make it truly worthwhile. I want it to be a fair representation of what I’m capable of. But that means I need a dev edit. A typesetter. And those both cost money that I just don’t have. So… The next stepis going to have to be a Kickstarter. Crowdfunding. Again.

I realized that and the editing stopped. Again.

I will NOT let it stop me for 2 more years.

I’m going to make it through this. And I’m going to do it more quickly than I think even you, my dear readers, realize. But I confess that I am afraid of what is coming, and that is holding me back. My well-meaning friends and family members are trying to be helpful. Telling me all the other things I need to do in order to make this book a “success.” (Slightly less helpful is that they’ve also been very quick to point out that that was not the case with Last). Trying to come up with marketing and publication plans that are huge and helpful and…entirely overwhelming. And I feel obligated to try and reach that success they want to see me achieve. I want to be as great as they seem to think I am. But… a deeper part of me just wants to write. Just wants to create and enjoy this thing I love without letting all the other pieces bury that love again. Because I am afraid it will. And I am afraid that I will try crowdfunding again and not have the support I need and that I’ll work until my soul and fingers bleed again just to fall short once more. I love this book. I think you will love this book. And I want to see it become real. But, my secret confession is that I am afraid of the steps that will bring us there, and that is keeping me from moving forward as quickly as you deserve.

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